‘Twain shall never meet’


For a laugh, read Jug Suraiya at Times.


Back from Britain, I can report that the clash of civilisations is very much in evidence there. There is an unbridgeable divide between the locals and the visitor from the Indian subcontinent. And the schism has nothing to do with being Islamic or not… It’s far more fundamental, in the strict sense of the term: it’s the irreconcilable difference between those who wipe and those who wash. To paraphrase Kipling: East is lota, and West is TP/ And never the twain shall meet/ Not even when both stand presently/ At God’s great toilet seat… For the subcontinental knows, as an article of faith, that you can wipe and wipe till — to mix metaphors and anatomy — you are blue in the face but you’ll still be a dirty bum…

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